Underwear Gnome Behind Yale Laundry Attacks


Dutch Gnome by Print Master Jacques Callot

Students at Yale University have spent the start of the semester afraid to launder their clothing because of a shady character terrorizing residential driers.

In at least four September incidents, students at the Ivy League school have found their newly washed clothing smeared with excrement and other bodily fluids. Sophomore Lucy Fleming was one of the first to be victimized by the ‘poopetrator’. After finding her soiled clothes on September 7, she was quoted as saying:

I simultaneously wanted to throw up, cry and punch someone

Although there has been some criticism that Yale did not respond quickly enough to the situation, they now seem to be taking the incidents more seriously. According to Residential College Master Paul Hudak, the Yale Police has officially joined the investigation and:

We have asked our students not to leave their laundry unattended, the affected machines have been thoroughly disinfected, and we are actively seeking information

The ‘Brown Bandit’ seems to be toying with officials going so far as to email pictures of his handiwork under the email handle ‘Copro Philiac’.

A forensic investigation has now discovered that a local Gnome named Burgratek Kokii is behind the attacks. Previously restricting himself to the theft of underwear, and single socks, Kokii grew bored by typical ‘underwear gnome’ activities, and stepped up his laundry vandalism. The Gnome has justified his new tactics by explaining:

As a member of the Yale community, I felt that ordinary sock stealing just didn’t cut it anymore. Being surrounded by so many extraordinary individuals, I had to transform myself into an extraordinary Laundry Gnome

Chair of the Council of Masters Amy Hungerford argued that the poopings do not reflect the values of the Yale community stating that she doesn’t “see these incidents [as] the sign of a general decline in civility and consideration on campus…” Others seem to disagree, with one commenting on the Yale Daily News that this was “Classic Yale.”